During the years since that awful day, I have managed to survive with the support of friends, family and even social media. Thanks to the abundance of information available on the Internet, I have found a wealth of information not only about the cancer that took my mother's life but I have also found numerous articles, stories, organizations and individuals who have helped me cope with the traumatic loss. One of those sources was an article called "Coping With the Death of Old Friends and Siblings "( http://www.nextavenue.org/death-old-friends-siblings/?utm_source=sumome&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=sumome_share) gave me some unique insight on a potential coping mechanism; I fan write a letter to my mom. This is what I have come up with so far:
To my beloved mother,
Life without you has been a transition not only in learning how to except the fact that I can no longer speak to you in a way that you can hear. I can no longer hug or kiss you in a way that you can feel. I will never be able to talk to you about the issues that I am facing in my daily life. You'll never get to see any more triumphs or progresses that I make in life. And sadly, I will never get to celebrate another holiday be it Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween Easter which was such a big occasion because of the relative closeness to my birthday.
If I become a father one day, sadly, your grandchildren will only know of you through the stories that I and the many other people who knew and loved you will undoubtedly tell them. But I can promise you that your memory will live on. Your candle will remain lit despite the turbulent winds of time and the inevitable changes....and loses that life brings upon us all. You were loved more than you will ever know. That was evident by the attendee at your funeral service. I don't know if you were able to see it, but it was beautiful even if there wasn't nearly as much time to prepare for that somber yet loving occasion as I would have liked. I believe that you would have approved.
In the days, weeks, months and years since you left the mortal world for what I hope at least spiritually speaking is a world of describable beauty, I've not doubt that you have plenty of company. From Grandpa Athen who died before I was able to meet him to Grannie who left us nearly four years before you to your dear sister Jan who went to meet you nine months after your death. And the wonderful man who was like a father to me, your brother-in-law Marvin whom you helped bring into he family so long ago. And of course, Aunt Mary who no doubt, has 'tars in her Heavenly crown as she always said of those who tried to do good in the world around them.
I was only able to read an unfinished draft of the poem that I wrote for you in your final days. Here is a copy of the finished poem that would later be published in your funerary program:
From the moment of my birth, you have given me hope. You have allowed me to strive for success in life rather than simply hanging on in life and trying to cope. You taught me wisdom, faith and gave me love. Sometimes you gave me a gentle push. Other times, you gave me a firm shove.
Some may say that you are just a lost cause. But when you hu...rt, its not the end; it is only a short pause. You have seen your fair share of grief and pain. But you've always found the inner strength to raise up, start anew and fight again.
There is always hope when none seems near. Just look at a loved one's smile and that seems clear. A mother's love is a gift from God above. it can wipe away the tears of sadness or pain. That kind of love is profound but it is also easy to explain. It is the love of a mother for a child or a child for their mother. It is a special type of love unlike any other. It is different from the love of a husband or wife, a sister for a brother.
Hate and anger are easy things to dwell upon. But you try not to because there is no promise of the coming dawn. Life is beautiful and precious because it is here one day and the next, it is gone. I thank God above for all that you have done. You gave me life. You call me your son.
Nothing can take away the enduring pride that I feel for you deep inside. Thank you for all that you are and for all that you do. You are my mother and I will always love you. Your courage and strength forever grows. When a loved one shows fear or pain, your compassion brightly glows. I will always love you more than anyone knows.
I have tried my best to make the house that you enjoyed for ten years a home once again. And like life in general, the place has changed slowly, subtly; and yet it is much he same in many other ways. In many ways, I can still feel your spirit dwelling within these walls. But I feel your spirit dwelling within my heart even more. The dogs are well taken care of. The cats are a bit of a different story. Over the past four years, I spent a very small amount of time here at home since I was needed by our family when the waves of sickness and loss kept coming. But I have still done my best to care for the pets that still live here. The dogs Taylor and Sophie and the two new cats are spoiled but loveable. And I can't help but believe that the dogs remember you still. I know that one of the cats did up until he disappeared. Maybe he's alright somewhere. Izzie, the calico wasn't as lucky. I know that you had wanted to surrender the cats to a shelter at the time because of the damage that they had done to the house. And at any rate, the past is unchangeable. What was done is done and must be learned from but not obsessed over.
Sadly, don't quite have your green thumb. Most of the plants left in and near the house are fake. As far as my hair styling ability, that too, skipped a generation. My few attempts to cut and keep my hair under control didn't go well. But I am learning.
I finally set up the desktop computer that you bought but never got the chance to see. It's wonderful. This letter was actually typed on it. And I have a new television thanks to the family.
About a year and a half after you left, I nearly joined you when my shunt failed not only once but twice in a little over a week. But that is why life is so precious. It is unpredictable. The experience has given me even more appreciation for life.
That feeling is what helps me survive the waves of grief when they come. I have come to believe that te pain of grief is like scar tissue that grows over an old wound. Once the trauma has happened, the part of the body that has been effected will never be the same as it once was. But the body, the mind and he soul seem to have an amazing resilience. It's that ability to adapt and grow as well as the ability to reach out to those who knew and loved you best.
I believe that like the butterflies who's beauty that you loved in life, you aren't gone forever. You simply changed from one form to another. I'll finish this letter by quoting the words that I placed on your headstone which I think you would like; "Always loved, never forgotten."
Forever your loving son,
Logan (Boo)
**********************************************************************************
To finish my first blog entry, I'll leave another link that might help explain the grieving experience to those who might not fully understand the toil that grief can take. But this is also a link to help those who are bereaved by a shockwave that has torn through their lives. It is called "The Grieving Need You Most After the Funeral".
http://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/
Some may say that you are just a lost cause. But when you hu...rt, its not the end; it is only a short pause. You have seen your fair share of grief and pain. But you've always found the inner strength to raise up, start anew and fight again.
There is always hope when none seems near. Just look at a loved one's smile and that seems clear. A mother's love is a gift from God above. it can wipe away the tears of sadness or pain. That kind of love is profound but it is also easy to explain. It is the love of a mother for a child or a child for their mother. It is a special type of love unlike any other. It is different from the love of a husband or wife, a sister for a brother.
Hate and anger are easy things to dwell upon. But you try not to because there is no promise of the coming dawn. Life is beautiful and precious because it is here one day and the next, it is gone. I thank God above for all that you have done. You gave me life. You call me your son.
Nothing can take away the enduring pride that I feel for you deep inside. Thank you for all that you are and for all that you do. You are my mother and I will always love you. Your courage and strength forever grows. When a loved one shows fear or pain, your compassion brightly glows. I will always love you more than anyone knows.
I have tried my best to make the house that you enjoyed for ten years a home once again. And like life in general, the place has changed slowly, subtly; and yet it is much he same in many other ways. In many ways, I can still feel your spirit dwelling within these walls. But I feel your spirit dwelling within my heart even more. The dogs are well taken care of. The cats are a bit of a different story. Over the past four years, I spent a very small amount of time here at home since I was needed by our family when the waves of sickness and loss kept coming. But I have still done my best to care for the pets that still live here. The dogs Taylor and Sophie and the two new cats are spoiled but loveable. And I can't help but believe that the dogs remember you still. I know that one of the cats did up until he disappeared. Maybe he's alright somewhere. Izzie, the calico wasn't as lucky. I know that you had wanted to surrender the cats to a shelter at the time because of the damage that they had done to the house. And at any rate, the past is unchangeable. What was done is done and must be learned from but not obsessed over.
Sadly, don't quite have your green thumb. Most of the plants left in and near the house are fake. As far as my hair styling ability, that too, skipped a generation. My few attempts to cut and keep my hair under control didn't go well. But I am learning.
I finally set up the desktop computer that you bought but never got the chance to see. It's wonderful. This letter was actually typed on it. And I have a new television thanks to the family.
About a year and a half after you left, I nearly joined you when my shunt failed not only once but twice in a little over a week. But that is why life is so precious. It is unpredictable. The experience has given me even more appreciation for life.
That feeling is what helps me survive the waves of grief when they come. I have come to believe that te pain of grief is like scar tissue that grows over an old wound. Once the trauma has happened, the part of the body that has been effected will never be the same as it once was. But the body, the mind and he soul seem to have an amazing resilience. It's that ability to adapt and grow as well as the ability to reach out to those who knew and loved you best.
I believe that like the butterflies who's beauty that you loved in life, you aren't gone forever. You simply changed from one form to another. I'll finish this letter by quoting the words that I placed on your headstone which I think you would like; "Always loved, never forgotten."
Forever your loving son,
Logan (Boo)
**********************************************************************************
To finish my first blog entry, I'll leave another link that might help explain the grieving experience to those who might not fully understand the toil that grief can take. But this is also a link to help those who are bereaved by a shockwave that has torn through their lives. It is called "The Grieving Need You Most After the Funeral".
http://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/
